Showing posts with label fun. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fun. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Murphys Funny laws


1) Law of Queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.8-|

2) Law of Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone.=-c

3) Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.:s

4) Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.:/

6) Bath Theorem: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.:|

7) Law of Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.:$

8) Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. :O

9) Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. >:/

10) Theatre Rule: People with the seats at the furthest from the screen arrive last. *...*

11) Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will
last until the coffee is cold. ~o)


12) Law of Proposal : After u accept a proposal you will get a better one..


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL--- Must Read

This is an actual letter (taken from the Times of India ) in response to a `Marriage Proposal' advertisement.

Madam, I am one young gentleman living only with myself in Patna . I am seeing your advertisement for marriage purpose in the daily newspaper. So I decide to press myself on you and I am hopping you will make the marriage with me.

 I am the son of my father & mother of agriculture family from inside Patna . I having no! sister and no brother also. I become big in Patna only. I educate myself in the Zuarilal Himmatlal High School , Bezna Road .  I am nice and big, six foots tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness why because I am working hardly. I am playing also hardly.

Especially I am liking the cricket. I am a good batter also I am fast baller. Whenever I am coming running for the balling, all batters are running everywhere why because they are afraiding my balls. Balls are bouncing too much high. That is very danger for them.

I am very nice gentleman. I always laughing loudly at everyone. I am happy always and gay also. Ladies they are saying I am nice and soft because I giving respect to them. I am always liking if ladies are on top. That is how nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits. I drink milk only and no other bad things. I am not chewing cigarettes or eating gutka paan why because it not good for all the peoples. So I am not doing so. I am keep fitting everyday. Morning I am going to jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can came and see how I pumping the dumb bells in the jim. And now good muscles are come outing everywhere.

 I am having very much money in my pant everyday and my pant is everyday open for you why because I am nice gentleman, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking my things into my own hands everyday. That is why I want to press myself on you, so that you will come and take my things into your hands.

 Madam, if you are marrying me, I am telling you, I will be hardly loving you everyday. If you are not marrying me then I will press you and press you until you come. I am at your feet and slowing looking up, with hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply why because I am stiff with excitement and anticipation.

Expecting good answer and replies to me in the future.

Namaste.

Yours,
Hiralal

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Software Programmer’s Love !!! eNJOY

Mere… Company kee ladkiyaan sunder hain Aur lonely hain…
Problem ye hai ki bus voh READ-ONLY hain…

Shayad mere pyar ko taste Karna bhool gaye…
Dil sey aisa CUT kiya ke PASTE karna bhool gaye..

Tumhare samne hain itney items Kabhi hame bhi pick karo…
Hamare pyar ke ICON pe Kabhi to tum DOUBLE-CLICK karo…

Roz subha hum karte hai Itne pyar se unhe good morning…
Woh humhe ghoor kar dekhte hain Jaise 0 ERRORS but 5 WARNINGS…

Ho gayi galti humse, Click ho gaya mouse
Duniya ki parwaah chhodo, ban jaao meri spouse!

Tumse mila main kal to, Mere dil mein hua ek sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili To kehti ho: Your file not found!

Ab aur kaho na tum, “but” ya “if”
Tum ho meri zindagi ki animated gif

Aysa bhi nahin hai ke, I don’t likeyour face
Par dil ke computer mein, Nahin hai enough disk space

Ghar se nikalti ho tum jab, Pehen ke evening gown
Too many requests se, Ho jaata hai server down

Tumhaare liye pyaar ki application, Create main karoonga
Tum usse debug karna, Wait main karoonga

Tumhaara intezaar karte karte, Main so gaya
Yeh dekho mera connection, Time out ho gaya

Kya chaal hai tumhaari, Jaise chalti hai koi cat
What is your ICQ number, Aao karein chat

Tum jabse meri zindagi, mein aayi ho banke female,
Yaad raha na ab kuch, Na postman , Na e-Mail

Joh sadiyaon se hota aaya hai Woh repeat kar doonga…
Tu naa mili to tujhko dil sey Ctrl+Alt+Delete kar doonga…

Humse Kya Khata Hui Ki message Aanna Band Hai…….
Aap hi humse naraz hain ya Web Server band hai…….

Badli hai duniya , kuchch mein bhi badal gaya hoon
Pahle bekaar tha ab S/W Programmer ban gaya hoon

Project extend ho gaya to kya ho jaata hai?
Are Tankha milti hai aur timepass ho jata hai..

teri yaad me sanam raat bhar humne to wine piya
teri yaad me sanam raat bhar humne to wine piya
kabhi offline to kabhi online piya

Pyar ke sitaare jab gardish mein hote hai
Pyar ke sitaare jab gardish mein hote hai
Laila ghar mein aur majnoo project testing kar rahe hote hai

Kaash aisa ho

Aisi apni Wife ho………………

lambi jiski height ho,
Jeans jiski tight ho,
Chehara jiska bright ho,
Weight mein thodi light Ho,
Umar me difference slight ho,
Thodi see wo quiet ho,
Aise apni Wife ho.

Sadak per sab kahe kya cute ho,
Bhid me sab kahe side ho, side ho,
India ki paidaish ho,
Sas ki seva jiski khwahish ho
Aisi apni Wife ho.

Padosi jab baat kare to haath me knife ho,
Dinner candle light ho,
Hum Dono me na kabhi fight ho,
Milane ke baad dil delight ho,
Hey prabhu teri archana uski life ho.
Yeh kavita padhke sab kahe “Guru, tum right ho”,
Aise apni Wife ho.

Kaash yeh concept 0.0001 percent bhi right ho
Agar aisi apni wife ho to kya hasin life ho
Har kisi ki yahi farmaish ho
kudrat ki bhi aajmaish ho
Khudah ke software mein bhi bug ki na gunjaish ho
Ay kaash, kahin to ek aisi paidaish ho
aisi apni wife ho…

Engineer kaun hai???

ENGINEER WOH HAI JO AKSAR PHASTA HAI
INTERVIEWS KE SAWAAL MAE
BADI COMPANIYON KI CHAAL MAE
BOSS AUR CLIENT KE BAWAAL MAE

ENGINEER WOH HAI JO PAK GAYA HAI
MEETINGS KI JHELAI MAE
SUBMISSIONS KI GEHRAI MAE
TEAMWORK KI CHATAI MAE

ENGINEER WOH HAI JO LAGA RAHTA HAI
SCHEDULE KO FAILANE MAE
TARGETS KO KHISKAANE MAE
ROZ NAYE-NAYE BAHANE MAE

ENGINEER WOH HAI JO
LUNCH TIME MAE BREAKFAST KARTA HAI
DINNER TIME MAE LUNCH KARTA HAI
COMMUTATION KE WAQT SOYA KARTA HAI

ENGINEER WOH HAI JO PAGAL HAI
CHAI AUR SAMOSE KE PYAR MAE
CIGERATTE KE KHUMAR MAE
BIRDWATCHING KE VICHAR MAE

ENGINEER WOH HAI JO KHOYA HAI
REMINDERS KE JAWAAB MAE
NA MILNE WALE HISAAB MAE
BEHTAR BHAVISHYA KE KHWAAB MAE

ENGINEER WOH HAI JISE INTEZAAR HAI
WEEKEND NIGHT MANANE KA
BOSS KE CHHUTTI JAANE KA
INCREMENT KI KHABAR AANE KA

ENGINEER WOH HAI JO SOCHTA HAI
KAASH PADHAI PE DHYAAN DIYA HOTA
KAASH TEACHER SE PANGA NA LIYA HOTA
KAASH ISHQ NA KIYA HOTA

Employee Resignation

Poetic Resignation
The name is good, the brand is big
But the work I do is that of a pig
The work or the brand; what is my way?
I don’t know if I should stay.
To work, they have set their own way
Nobody will care to hear what I say
My will be NULL, they wont change their way
I don’t know if I should stay.
The project is in a critical stage
But to do good work, this is the age
This dilemma is killing me day by day
I don’t know if I should stay.
The money is good, the place is great
But the development is at a very small rate
Should I go for the work, or wait for pay
I don’t know if I should stay!
The managers don’t know what they talk
The team doesn’t know where they walk
That’s a bad situation, what say?
I don’t know if I should stay.
I can go to any other place
But what if I get the same disgrace
I can’t keep switching day by day
I don’t know if I should stay.
The -ves are more, the +ves are less
Then why have this unnecessary mess
No more will I walk their way,
It’s all done, I won’t stay.
Thanks & Regards
Employee
Manager Response
Reply: What I want to say?

(Manager)

The decision is good or decision is bad
Only God knows still I am glad
Keep moving in life that is what I can say
If you feel right go in the same way
May god give you the work, the challenge you want
Anyway there is always a second chance
Chances are there, grab them snatch them
That is what I can say
Keep on jumping companies to get more and more and more….
That will keep you always a fore (Even to me)
>From my experience I can tell you
Being in software development is like taking hell out of you
You are frustrated since you have no quality work
And you were frustrated because you had quantity work
It’s always like that previous job was better than the current one
And expects the new job will be much better than this one
But what you get is a frustration level up to sun
Than you will again send the resignation like this one
This is all what I want to say
Have you completed all the formalities?
Filled the form and got it signed from department humanities (HR)
Once done you can take all your cash
But don’t refer others as they will follow you’re a*s.
At last I appreciate your contribution to the company
Even though there was not any….
You will keep a copy of this with you for FYI
Don’t feel shy
As I also got it some time back from my old manger say Hi….
That is all what I want to say.
Thanks & Regards
Manager

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Odd Advertisements slogans

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:

Guitar, for sale........ Cheap....... . .......no strings attached.





Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!






On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.





When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
I Gave Up Reading


My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.





You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off





Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'





Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way....





Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.





The Reason Men Lie Is Because
Women Ask too Many Questions..





Getting Caught
Is The Mother Of Invention.





Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone





The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.





Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business..



Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Just For Fun

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut

What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...

Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole�

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

Friday, February 5, 2010

What is the Height Of...

1. What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip
OR
A new born baby asking for low waist diapers...


*************************************************************
2. What is height of Secrecy?
offering blank visiting cards.


*************************************************************
3. What is height of Active-laziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.


*************************************************************
4. What is height of Laziness?
Adopting a child.


*************************************************************
5. What is height of Craziness?
Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.


*************************************************************
6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.


*************************************************************
7. What is height of Stupidity?
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.


*************************************************************
8. What is height of Honesty?
A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.


*************************************************************
9. What is height of Suicide?
A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.


*************************************************************
10. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Whats the difference??!!!

Man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT;
woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

Man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION;
woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD;
woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE;
woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.

Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY;
woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.

Thats it!!!

Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things... While women are still STUCK with shopping.... .......... . !!!

From PM to HR

Dear Manager (HR),

Vivek, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Vivek works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vivek never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Vivek takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Vivek is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vivek can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vivek be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.

Signed - Project Leader


NB: That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13)
for my true assessment of him.

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Women are extremely determined

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,

interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a

woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large

metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our

instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will

find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"





The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The

agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife

and go home."





The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went

into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with

tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said,

"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."





Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to

kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were

heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the

walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and

there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun was

loaded with false bullets" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the

chair!!"




MORAL: Women are extremely determined.. Don't mess with them?

Krishnajanma

In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students. He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars.

First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning... Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak. Third one is born..."

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)

Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in mahabharata then how come u have one?"

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to Kill him,

WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.........................

Best Divorce Letter!!

Dear hubby,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.. I’ve
been a good woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell..

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the
last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut,
had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk dress.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your
games. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want anything
that connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you
don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Wife
P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
_________________________________________

FOLLOWING IS THE RESPONSE FROM THE HUSBAND

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my games so much because they drown
out your constant whining & gripe Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice
when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was
‘You look just like a boy!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything
if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I
stopped eating pork 7 years ago.. About those new silk dress: I turned away
from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was
a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from
me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.. So when I
hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets
to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a
reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born as
Carla(woman) ……… .I hope that’s not a problem

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

10 Most Stupid Questions...

Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations :

1.) At the movies:

When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .....

Stupid Question :- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer :- Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

******
2.) In the bus:

A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question :- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer :- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.

******
3.) At a funeral:

One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question :- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer :- Why? Would it rather have been you?

******
4.) At a restaurant:

When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question :- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??

Answer :- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

******
5.) At a family get-together:

When some distant aunt meets you after years

Stupid Question :- Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer :- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

******
6.) When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question :- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.

******
7.) When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question :- Sorry. Were you sleeping?

Answer :- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or Not.
You thought I was sleeping....
You dumb witted moron.

******
8.) When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question :- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer :- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..

******
9.) At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

Stupid Question :- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer :- No it wont. It will just bleed.

******
10.) You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...

Stupid Question :- Oh, so you smoke.

Answer :- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

******

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Just For Fun...

Future of Google...


Gandhi Ji Three Monkeys


Rajnikant's Trignometry


Dil Se...
Don't Drink and Drive...


Funny Answers Given By Kids on Ghajini...


Friday, November 20, 2009

Software engineer and his wife...


Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hey bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Chicken Story Joke...



A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all. Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"