I remember my dad teaching me the power of language at a very
young age. Not only did my dad understand that specific words affect our mental
pictures, but he understood words are a powerful programming factor in lifelong
success.
One particularly interesting event occurred when I was eight. As
a kid, I was always climbing trees, poles, and literally hanging around upside
down from the rafters of our lake house. So, it came to no surprise for my dad
to find me at the top of a 30-foot tree swinging back and forth. My little
eight-year-old brain didn't realize the tree could break or I could get hurt. I
just thought it was fun to be up so high.
My older cousin, Tammy, was also in the same tree. She was
hanging on the first big limb, about ten feet below me. Tammy's mother also
noticed us at the exact time my dad did. About that time a huge gust of wind
came over the tree. I could hear the leaves start to rattle and the tree begin
to sway. I remember my dad's voice over the wind yell, "Bart, Hold on tightly."
So I did. The next thing I know, I heard Tammy screaming at the top of her
lungs, laying flat on the ground. She had fallen out of the tree.
I scampered down the tree to safety. My dad later told me why
she fell and I did not. Apparently, when Tammy's mother felt the gust of wind,
she yelled out, "Tammy, don't fall!" And Tammy did fall. My dad then
explained to me that the mind has a very difficult time processing a negative
image.
In fact, people who rely on internal pictures cannot see a
negative at all. In order for Tammy to process the command of not falling, her
nine-year-old brain had to first imagine falling, then try to tell the brain
not to do what it just imagined. Whereas, my eight-year-old brain instantly had
an internal image of me hanging on tightly.
This concept is especially useful when you are attempting to
break a habit or set a goal. You can't visualize not doing something. The
only way to properly visualize not doing something is to actually find a word
for what you want to do and visualize that. For example, when I was thirteen
years old, I played for my junior high school football team. I tried so hard to
be good, but I just couldn't get it together at that age. I remember hearing
the words run through my head as I was running out for a pass, "Don't drop
it!"
Naturally, I dropped the ball. My coaches were not skilled
enough to teach us proper "self-talk." They just thought some kids
could catch and others couldn't. I'll never make it pro, but I'm now a pretty
good Sunday afternoon football player, because all my internal dialogue is
positive and encourages me to win. I wish my dad had coached me playing
football instead of just climbing trees. I might have had a longer football
career.
The point is made. If you tell your brain you will "give it
a try," you are actually telling your brain to fail. I have a "no
try" rule in my house and with everyone I interact with. Either people
will do it or they won't. Either they will be at the party or they
won't. I'm brutal when people attempt to lie to me by using the word try.
Do they think I don't know they are really telegraphing to the world they have
no intention of doing it but they want me to give them brownie points for
pretended effort?
You will never hear the words "I'll try" come out of
my mouth unless I'm teaching this concept in a seminar. If you "try"
and do something, your unconscious mind has permission not to succeed. If I
truly can't make a decision I will tell the truth. "Sorry John. I'm not
sure if I will be at your party or not. I've got an outstanding commitment. If
that falls through, I will be here. Otherwise, I will not. Thanks for the
invite."
People respect honesty. So remove the word "try" from
your vocabulary.
My dad also told me that psychologists claim it takes seventeen
positive statements to offset one negative statement. I have no idea if it is
true, but the logic holds true. It might take up to seventeen compliments
to offset the emotional damage of one harsh criticism. These are concepts that
are especially useful when raising children. Ask yourself how many compliments
you give yourself daily versus how many criticisms. Heck, I know you are
talking to yourself all day long. We all have internal voices that give us
direction. So, are you giving yourself the 17:1 ratio or are you short changing
yourself with toxic self-talk like, "I'm fat. Nobody will like me. I'll
try this diet. I'm not good enough. I'm so stupid. I'm broke, etc. etc."
If our parents can set a lifetime of programming with one wrong
statement, imagine the kind of programming you are doing on a daily basis with
your own internal dialogue.
Here is a list of Toxic Vocabulary words. Notice when you or
other people use them.
But: Negates any words that are
stated before it.
Try: Presupposes failure.
If: Presupposes that you may not.
Might: It does nothing definite. It
leaves options for your listener..Ø Would Have: Past tense that draws attention
to things that didn't actually happen.
Should Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that
didn't actually happen (and implies guilt.)
Could Have: Past tense that draws attention
to things that didn't actually happen but the person tries to take credit as if
it did happen.
Can't/Don't: These words force the listener
to focus on exactly the opposite of what you want. This is a classic mistake
that parents and coaches make without knowing the damage of this linguistic
error.
Examples:
Toxic phrase: "Don't drop the
ball!"
Likely result: Drops the ball
Better language: "Catch the
ball!"
Toxic phrase: "You shouldn't
watch so much television."
Likely result: Watches more television.
Better language: "I read too much
television makes people slow.”
You might find yourself turning that TV off and picking up one
of those books more often!
